I found my power during the most vulnerable time in my life. The Covid-19 pandemic. A time when the thought of dying sent shivers, and a time when visits to the hair salon were impossible. Nobody cared about looks; we only hoped to survive this uncertain, grief-laden time.
As my hair grew, I noticed I had more white hair than I imagined. I looked at myself in the mirror, wondering who this person was and how the years had accumulated. The white hair reflected all the memories I had: the challenges, the pain, disenchantment, and the many joys. All there in front of me.
How unfair to face the reality of my age during such a hard time!
My beauty-conscious fashionista mom was not having it. She could not wait to book her appointment and have her hair colored. When someone complimented her elegant and classy look, she was not amused.
Suddenly, my mom’s health declined. Towards the end of 2020, she was diagnosed with stage four cancer and told she did not have much more time to live. It was a shock. My bigger-than-life ninety-year-old mom, who we all believed would live to be 100, was dying.
When I looked at my white hair in the mirror again, I realized that soon I would be an orphan. I will be on my own without the support of my strong mother, who was always there for my family and me. A completely new life experience was headed my way.
It’s a special feeling to be a daughter. To have a mother to enjoy life with. Who would I be next? I looked at my white hair, knowing my mom would likely not approve. At the very least, she’d have something to say.
But this new woman in the mirror looked at me straight in the eye and asked; who do you think you are? I did not have an answer. Yet.
My mom passed away in January of 2021. The pain I felt likely triggered more white hair, but I found wisdom within to reflect on the life I’ve lived. It was time to live the same way I feel inside. Insecure but confident enough to face the mirror. The more I looked at the new me, the more the white became clarity, and clarity became freedom.
As time passed, I was certain that I was ready to embrace a new self. Friends and family had plenty of comments about my looks. Both positive and some discouraging. It was a strange, new feeling for me not to feel insecure or unsure about my decision to let my white hair grow. I felt liberated.
Some comments caught my attention. Many women would say, “I am not ready” for white hair. That comment stayed in my mind. To me, white hair isn’t about aging, because I’ve seen many younger women and men sport it well. It is about confidence and being comfortable with who you are, challenging cultural norms that define beauty.
Maybe the answer should be that they don’t like how white looks with their complexion, that it looks too matronly, too austere, or something other than “they’re not ready.”
I realize now that embracing white hair takes confidence, like modeling on a catwalk, where all eyes are on you. It can be uncomfortable, especially for introverts, but it’s a sign of resilience and pride in your authentic self. It is certainly not for everybody. To me, my white hair expresses experience, years well lived, and the freedom of someone who fully embraces who she is.
At first, our Hispanic culture’s way of referring to white-haired women as mamma bothered me. Many waitresses and waiters addressed me condescendingly as ‘mamma.’ Now, it just makes me laugh.
This was an important change in my life and my attitude towards life. We all go through changes, right? We are obligated to grow wiser as we age and to acquire confidence. I’ve heard many people say that the best thing about aging is not giving a hoot about anything and being unafraid to speak your mind. I have to agree.
Who’s the dame now?!
When I seek answers to life’s enigmas or want to dig deeper into my mind, I head to my studio and paint.
I painted my way through this transition to white hair, and the result is this original acrylic painting, 24″ x 30″. I named it Becoming White.
I invite you to visit my studio at this link to learn about the process of this painting.
High-quality prints on art paper, canvas, and metal are available here. The original painting is also available. Please contact me via this website for price and additional information.
Cactus in the Mirror by Nydia O. Studio 